there are days when I almost forget about that thing
I can't do
days when I can pretend that I could
& not have to wonder what might happen...
those are dangerous days
perhaps it's why I take such morbid delight in their unfolding
this perverse simultaneity of exhaustion and exhilaration
fills me with the lie of possibility
I know I never have done that with which I torment myself
& that I don't have any idea what would happen were I to follow that
but please, let's not dignify this with words like impulse...
it's not the disappointment that's killing me
it's the hope *
*with thanks to Mimi for these lines and much more...